The Baby Whisperer

Choices, etc.

2006-05-23T14:20:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me begin by saying that I am in no way in favor of "forcing food" down kids' throats. Here is my main point from my previous post: giving your children options for every decision is the leading theory for child-rearing today. If you don't believe me, go spend some time with a mom and her toddler (or a six-year-old, who, when asked by his mom what he would like to do that afternoon, says "what are my options?"), or pick up a book about it at your local bookstore. Why this technique? Because it relieves stress for the harried mother and father(to which my response is, "when did striving to make life stress-free for the parents become the right way to raise kids? Is parenting suposed to be easy?"), and because it helps the child develop personality and taste. Again, this doesn't make sense to me. I have never met a more egocentric person than a two-year-old.

But girlfriday made a really good point that it's all about observing your child and deciding what's right for them. For example, said girlfriday always wanted to dress herself and do her own hair since she was a toddler. From what I hear, she fought my mom on every issue. My mom decided to pick her battles, and let her daughter go out in public wearing four uneven ponytails in her hair, along with an assortment of plastic hair clips, sporting a dress-up dress three sizes too big. Today, girlfriday is stylish and fashion-forward. Would she be this way had our mom stifled her independent spirit?

Children want control all through life, and are constantly testing their parents to see how much of it they will relenquish. Travelin' fool made the point that as a parent, you need to be able to outsmart your kids, and I couldn't agree more. Your kids will always test you. Always. Are they saying no to every food option because they know eventually you'll break out the cheetos? Then you have a problem. Are you giving your child a plate of food that you know they hate and making them eat it just because you're the parent? Well, then you have some control issues yourself.

I don't want to give the impression that I don't think kids should be able to do things on their own or make their own decisions. I whole-heartedly believe in independent play, and letting kids fall down sometimes because they have to figure out on their own that jumping off of a toy onto the floor is going to hurt their tooshie. I let the toddlers I babysit do things like wash their own hands, drink out of "big cups," and put shampoo on their own heads. These are small things that make them feel like an adult, and give them a sense of pride. I'm all for that.

As far as my generation goes, we have the bad apples. The kids who expect a lot of life but aren't willing to put much into it. The kids who have all these resources at their fingertips, and they're still living in their parents' basement. But so many kids my age are out there using technology and the information age in a positive way, and are making a difference in the world. Because there's so much more to know about, they're out there learning it, and putting their knowledge to good use.

Give your kids choices, or don't. Have consequences for their poor choices, no matter what. But more than anything, love your kids. Be crazy about them. Talk to you them, encourage them, spend time with them, discipline them, and listen to them. I work for a group of parents who love their kids more than anything else in this world, and no matter which parenting techniques they use, or how many times I might disagree with their decisions, they love their children, and their children know that. That makes me, and all of these kids, some very lucky people.

Children and choices

2006-05-05T10:21:00.000-05:00

I recently received a membership to Laura Ingraham's website, so I can now download podcasts of her show. I've been listening to broadcasts from the past couple of weeks, getting caught up on what I missed whilst "enriching" my mind at school. Yesterday I heard Laura interviewing an author by the name of Jean M. Twenge, who has written a book called "Generation Me : Why Today's Young American's Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled -- and More Miserable Than Ever Before." She did a formal study of over a million Gen-X and Gen-Y'ers to see what effect our changing culture has had on these two generations.

Her basic thesis is, that having more options than we know what to do with has been a detriment for my generation and the preceding one. We want more and want to work less for it.

The most interesting point she brought up in the interview was about how moms of two-year-olds (and I can attest to this) are giving their toddlers options for their meals. No longer is a plate of food set in front of child with the expectation that they are supposed to eat it, no questions asked. No, first it's "Would you rather have a sandwich, pizza, or spaghetti?" Then if they don't eat what the food they said they wanted, the mom tries to find other foods they might eat, until she has emptied her pantry. All in the name of getting your kid fed. In the interest of full disclosure, I've done this method many-a-time in my childcare career, because it's the process the children are used to.

This all made me think of how my mom is adamantly against the "1 . . . 2 . . . 3" technique when trying to get your child to stop making a bad decision. Her argument is that your child should do what you ask the first time you ask them. If they don't, there's a consequence. Simple as that. The other side of the argument is that by counting, you are giving your child the opportunity to make the right choice on their own.

The more I think about it, the more I think that when your child makes the right choice at "3," (which is how it nearly always turns out - they never make the right choice at "2" or "1" because they know they always have until "3") they aren't making the best choice. Maybe they make a good choice by stopping their disobedient action, but wouldn't the best choice be them stopping the first time you ask them? And as a parent, shouldn't you be encouraging your child to make the best choices in their life, and not just good ones? Also, how are we preparing our children for school and the workplace by giving them so many options?

I can't think of one instance in college where a professor said "Okay, you have two options for your exam: multiple choice or essay" or "You can buy this overly priced, boring text book, or this cheaper, more interesting one." No, you're told what to do, and you do it, no questions asked. If you don't, you flunk the class. I can't imagine that things are much different from this in the workplace.

But before all this comes elementary school. Talk to a teacher in one of these schools, and they'll tell you that most kids will continue to make poor choices until a real punishment is given to them (i.e. an action plan for changing their behavior that is sent home to their parents). But why would they stop acting out before this ultimate consequence is dished out? It's not how they were raised, and there's no real reward for making the right choice in the first place, just a pat on the back, and affirmative praise. Whereas making the wrong choice gives them the attention they crave.

I'm not saying I've made up my mind on this issue, but I do think it's worth thinking about. The idea of choices has come along to make life easier for parents, because toddlers want control. They want to be able to tell you "no," just because they can. So we give into that? I'm just not sure it's sound child-rearing.

"First they roll over, then they go to college"

2006-02-14T11:34:00.000-06:00

So said my mom's friend Gail, and I'm beginning to see how true that is.

In January I watched a 20 month old and 4 month old for 4 days while their parents went to see the Horns hook USC at the Rose Bowl. On my last afternoon, I felt a little harried, and was in a "I'll sit back and let them do some 'independent play' until their parents get home" mode. I set the baby on the blanket, and she immediately turned to her side.

Her mom had told me that she would probably roll over for the first time while I was watching them, but I hadn't seen any action yet.

She turned on her side, and she put all her strength into pushing her body.

Then she fell back onto her back.

Then she turned back on her side, and began to push again.

And then a miracle happened.

She rolled over.

I'll never forget the look in her eyes. It was as if the light came on her head.

"Oh, there's a whole world out there that I didn't even know about."

I don't think I've ever seen a more pure and genuine look of accomplishment on any person's face before.

And this is where her life's journey began. It was her first act of independence, and I was there to witness it.

I took at least ten pictures so her mom would have photos to document the moment in her scrapbook, but the memory will always be mine.

I'll call this #56 on my list of reasons why I love my job.

If this isn't true love, I don't know what is.

2006-01-12T16:27:00.000-06:00

I was babysitting a family of three last night that I babysit for quite frequently. They have two girls, ages 8 & 5, and a boy, age 2.

The girls are always telling me about their boyfriends, and then about a month ago the oldest said that she had talked to her boyfriend at their school Christmas party . . . for the first time - and he's been her "boyfriend" for over a year! (oh, and by the way, they each have about 3 boyfriends).

I'll always ask the girls if they've kissed the boys, and their usual response is "ugh, gross."

Until last night, that is.

The girls were telling me how cute Jesse McCartney is, and the younger girl said "He's so cute, I could kiss him all day," and the older replied, "Yeah, and I would shave his face every morning!"

Like I said, if that's not love. . .

Advice? Anyone?

2006-01-12T13:43:00.000-06:00

I never realized how hard 18-20 month old toddlers are, until I spent more time around 2-year-olds.

When a two-year-old disobeys you, it is because they have listened to what you said, and decided they want to do their own thing, and they usually know the consequences, and do it anyway.

Before the age of two, however, you really don't know if they've understood what you said or if they're just being willfully disobedient. There are some kids whose comprehension level is higher than others at an earlier age, so to me it's easier to discipline them because they know they've been disobedient.

This past week I spent four days and three nights babysitting a four month old and twenty month old girl and boy, respectively. The little boy is very smart, and right now VERY into talking. His whole life is dedicated to talking and to the Wiggles. So when I tell him not to do something, he just repeats the last word I said instead of actually listening to me.

I am a definite supporter of spanking, but don't believe that's my place as the babysitter. So what do I do when a child this age doesn't listen, and my only option for discipline is time-out (which takes place in his crib, by the way, which is downstairs, and usually more of a journey than I want to take while watching an infant, too)?

I have figured out that if show him the right way to do something, then he's more inclined to watch me than he is to listen to me.

So any tips would be very welcome, as this is the age of most kids I watch right now!

What I've learned so far. . .

2005-11-29T14:52:00.000-06:00

I'm only 22-years-old, but I've been babysitting for over half of my life. Do the math and you'll probably guess I started when I was about 10, and you'd be right. Even though now it's unfathomable to me that mothers would leave their children with me at such a young age (albeit usually only napping ones until I was about 12), but I guess that goes to show how the times have changed even in my lifetime.

A year ago I took a leap of faith and decided to stop working "regular" jobs and see if I could financially manage by just getting my name out there and babysitting. It probably took me less than a month before I was doing this full time. The demand for qualified and loving babysitters is apparently high in Austin, TX, and it only took me telling two women that they could give my name out to their friends before my schedule was jam packed.

In 2003 my first, and so far only, nephew was born, and I became his nanny for 20 hours/week starting when he was five weeks old. I continued watching him up until he and his parents moved to Boise when he was only a year old.

I've loved kids my entire life. I've cried over the joys of child care since I was probably 13 0r 14 years old. But when my nephew moved away from me I cried harder than I think I have ever cried before. . . about anything. He took a piece of my heart with him, a gap that can only be filled when I visit him for holidays or birthdays.

I learned so much from this little man. I learned that a tiny, helpless, screaming baby can frustrate you, and that sometimes its best to put them in their cribs, and walk away for thirty seconds. Usually that's all the time it takes to realize that however hard it can get, ultimately you don't want to let babies out of your sight, and you want to do everything in your power to just MAKE THEM STOP CRYING!!!

I learned that a 5 month old can be your toughest audience to entertain.

I learned that it only takes one smile to make you forget how hard the work can become.

But the most important thing I've learned is that sometimes you just have to let a baby cry, because most of the time they're okay. Crying is often the only way they can express themselves, whether they're tired, hungry, or just bored. But it's especially okay to let them cry themselves to sleep. Sometimes it's all you can do.

I took what I learned from my nephew, and have expanded my knowlege 10 fold by the babysitting I've done in the past year.

So all of this to say that I hope you enjoy my blog as I share with you the things about kids that I love and the things that drive me crazy. Their little quirks that make me laugh, and their genius that never ceases to amaze me.